Hit Like a Girl-Defense Clap, Clap

Boston has been a tough town to root for lately. It seems like anyone worth watching is injured and those whose bodies aren’t falling apart are just playing like crap. The Patriots were a pathetic excuse for a football team last Sunday, the Bruins haven’t played with the same scrappiness and fire that we know and love (until last night), and KG’s knee is clearly not ok, despite what the Celtics organization wants you to believe.

And then you have the Red Sox. A team that you would think Boston fans wouldn’t be complaining about right now. Then again, if you’re thinking that you probably have no idea what Boston fans are like. By probably I mean you’re clueless. Have you ever talked to one of these people?! However, as in most cases, I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re complaining preemptively. Which is fine, it’s the Boston way. But if you’re tired of that, keep reading and I will try to soothe your aching sports soul.

The Red Sox are going to do fabulous next year. Why? I’ll go ahead and give you my uneducated sports opinion.

Defense is great! Defense is just misunderstood. It needs a god damn hug. Having a good offense really shows. Fans can say, well Big Papi hit 35 home runs in 2007 and Mike Lowell had 120 RBIs, and since they put up good offensive numbers we won the World Series!

Offensive stats just make more sense. They’re easy to read; everyone understands home runs and RBIs and on base percentages. Those defensive stats? Who the hell knows what’s going on there. I sure as hell don’t. Those scary unknown numbers and abbreviations mean absolutely nothing to me. So, when Theo comes out and says something along the lines of “well yeah, I didn’t get a slugger, but look at this great defense” we all want to kill ourselves. We’re running for the nearest butcher knife, rope, or handgun in our home. Take a step away from the life-ending objects, pop a Prozac, and go to your happy place. If you think about it like a logical human being, it’s not that bad. In fact, it’s kind of good.

Just because we picked up a lot of players this off season for their defensive prowess does not mean that we will not have anyone on our team who can hit a pitch. We make it sound like NO ONE WILL EVER HIT AGAIN (caps lock totally necessary). Well guess what, schmoopie? These guys can also hit. No, they can’t hit 54 home runs a season, but they can hit, they can get on base, AND they can STOP PEOPLE FROM SCORING RUNS (again, caps lock totally necessary). If you look at last year’s losses, the majority of the games we lost were either by one run or by four runs or more. With a better defense, we could win all of those games we lost last year by one run. There would be someone in the field to catch the fly ball, make an incredible double play, or just strike out the batter. Guess what else, kiddos? We can also win those games that we lost by four or more runs because our Golden Glove filled defense won’t allow for another team to get ahead by that many.

So even if we’re not hitting balls out of the park during every other at bat, as long as we can get our guys on base and get them home, we’re golden. We’ll score runs because our offense is sufficient. Not great, but sufficient. The other team won’t score runs because our defense is going to eat them alive. Our pitching staff is going to throw so many strikes your head will spin.

If all else fails, Theo could pick up a slugger should he find we really need one. Adrian Gonzalez, anyone?

There’s your daily dose of positive. Print this article out and keep it in your wallet for the next time a Bruins player gets hurt.

Samantha Lewis is the author of "Hit Like a Girl". She is the Creative Director of Northshore Editorial in Salem, MA and can be followed on Twitter. She has a huge crush on Michael Felger and thinks Joe Haggerty is a "teddy bear".