Let's Do Steroids!

Good Morning. Happy Friday. I'm miserable and I have a pounding headache. The only redeeming quality about this day is that it's pay day.

Since I'm in pain and feeling full of hate, let's talk about steroids.

Everyone's favorite liar, Roger Clemens, has been in the news quite a bit lately. This silly ho was indicted on Thursday for lying to Congress about steroid use.

Here's how I feel about steroid use: SHUT UP.

You are making me so crotchety, baseball. As far as I'm concerned, the steroid era is over. It was over when the Mitchell Report came out and everyone had to start fessing up to using PEDs. But here's the thing... I don't even blame half of these players for using steroids. I mean, obviously a select few had to start this whole escapade, but once it was started there was bound to be a snowball effect. What are you supposed to do when half your teammates are using PEDs and start to get better? All of a sudden, you're not the best guy on the team. You're not even in the top ten. You risk being traded, being sent to the minors, or just being completely unable to get a team to sign you. Then what are you supposed to do? No offense to athletes, but these guys have spent their whole lives preparing to play in the major leagues. What else are they supposed to do with themselves? Go be an accountant? Bag groceries? Some athletes just don't have the brain capacity for anything else but hitting a ball. Can you imagine what would have happened to guys like David Ortiz if he hadn't used steroids?! He'd be screwed with a capital S.

What if you spent years of your life working towards your M.D. and all of a sudden other doctors started taking brain enhancing drugs that enabled them to diagnose patients 75% faster and with 99.9% accuracy? What if these drugs were illegal because they had harmful effects on your health and your testicles?! I bet you'd start taking those damn drugs.

Listen, I don't condone taking illegal drugs. Nor do I condone cheating. But PED use is one of those situations where you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Most people that I know would opt to continue making millions of dollars a year.

The good news is that these days you've got guys like Dustin Pedroia and Clay Buchholz. Guys who are highly unlikely to ever be linked to steroid use. The better news is that with drug testing, this is the way that baseball is going to continue to go.

I'll miss the home runs. I won't miss hearing about jerk offs like Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds. Good riddance.

Samantha Lewis is an on-again off-again sports blogger who remembered it was Friday in time to write this post. Please send gold stars via Twitter. Also Asprin.